Meaning of Liff

Oh things are just so complicated...

So the (ex)BF just phoned. He wants me back.

Apparantly he misses me and he wants us to get back together and we're meant to be together.

And so I should be happy? So why am I sitting here crying and feeling that it's too little too late?

Do I still love him? yes.
Do I feel like he's treated me like shit? yes.
Do I feel like he expected me to jump into his arms and shout for joy? yes.
Does that annoy me? hell yes.

and I guess I should be jumping into his arms, but to be honest I don't see what's changed. He's put me through absolute total hell in the last few months, totally upended my life, told me I'm not attractive and no fun and all that crap. And now because he misses me he wants me to forget all that. I'm not sure I can. I'm not even sure I should.

More to the point, I'm not sure he won't turn around and do this to me again in 12 months time.

He hasn't done anything life fulfilling.  He hasn't changed. I haven't changed (well I think perhaps I have actually). What's different? Why will he be happy this time? Why will he love me again if he didn't three months ago?

And why do I still feel like absolute total shit for telling him that he couldn't just come home right now?

So lets face it. Basically I'm not sure I want to be with him any more if he can treat me like that. I actually quite like someone else (and although that probably isn't going anywhere the fact that I do makes me think I need to severely look at my feelings for (ex)BF). I have this resentful thing inside me which worries me if we do get back together that one day it's going to burst out.  I never want to cheat or lie or live the rest of my life unhappy with  someone if it's not right for us both and my cosy little 'smug marrieds' feeling has been totally wrecked and I don't know if I can ever get it back.

And notice he didn't say he loves me. He misses me.  He thinks we should be together. But he doesn't love me. Or at least not enough to tell me so. He always used to tell me so. My friends tell me they love me.  My dad tells me he loves me. Shouldn't the man who wants to woo me back and rekindle the romance tell me he loves me?

He thinks we should try dating again (an early suggestion I made after reading the Relate website) but all that's going to happen at the moment  is we'll start 'dating', end up in bed on the first date and he'll be moved back in within a week. It'd be so easy..... but I don't know if it would be right.

Two months ago I'd have been so happy if he said that. Now I just feel confused. 

There's no future living in the past

Who'd have thunk Belinda Carlisle could be so profound?

Baaaaa

Never trust a hairdresser when they say "yes I'll only take an inch off and tidy up the layers"

Laugh at your peril

Ok - I'm going to tell you this because it is funny - but I'm warning you now - anyone caught laughing will be severely in my bad books!

I'm looking after dads cat at the moment as he's away for a week, so this morning I got up, went down there,  shouted for Tarz and he came running up all happy to see me (well he's been alone for about 12 hours - I mean what's a cat to do with his time?).

And I fed him and I stroked him and he was ridiculously kittenish (if you scale this cat up to human size he'd be 6'8" and about 20 stone, watching him play "I'm so cute look at me" always makes me laugh). Then he wanted his tummy rubbed, and he wanted to play catch my fingers. Then.... he noticed my blouse..... today I am wearing a nice peasant style top with short floaty sleeves, a ribbon at the neckline and blood stains. The blood stains are unintentional but read on....

So Tarz thinks "oooh - dangly ribbon" and in his kittenlike state decides he needs to grab the dangly ribbon.  So to catch the dangly ribbon he sort of launches himself at me with paws outstretched and claws fully armed.

Just about ripped my nipple off.

It took me about 10 minutes to stop writhing in pain and another five to go calm him down (loud screaming upsets him it seems). Now I'm working out how to attach a sticking plaster to a bit of my body I never had to perform first aid on before and hoping blood will come out of gypsy tops without too much hassle.

Just bloody stop laughing OK?

It must mean something

I was reading about New Orleans this morning, that's so awful.  I'm sure these things are getting more frequent and worse you know - 12 months ago we had the flash floods in Boscastle and there seems to be something happening almost every week or two now.

If I was having one of my 'earth child' days I'd be saying something about Mother Earth trying to tell us something about now.....

Welcome back, Sunday Morning Feeling

I was laying in the bath this morning, wondering if, since no one will be getting near them, I need bother to shave my legs, and then wondering if the fact I was wondering that meant that I was already on the path to becoming one of those hairy old women you can't help but stare at, when I realised I was feeling content.

I don't mean with everything or life in general or whatever, but it's a long time since I felt even momentarily really content (as opposed to happy or relaxed or those other feelings that happen occasionally)  so it was a bit of a shock moment to be honest.

But I had the doors and windows open, and a gentle breeze blowing over me, the sun coming right into the bathroom, a cat (precariously) asleep on the side of the bath and the washing machine making Sunday morning sounds downstairs, plus my neighbour learning to play the guitar in his garden next door (generally would be a bad thing but he's Brazilian so the accent when he sings makes up for the odd bum note when he plays) and I could almost imagine myself in one of those 'wish my life was like this' adverts if I closed my eyes and didn't look at the state of the shower door (note to self; add glass cleaner to shopping list).

Then the phone went and rather spoilt the moment, but hey, 4 minutes of contentment is better than none.

But I want to be the only person with a mooing clock

Don't you just hate it when you have something really unusual and a couple of years later everyone starts selling it? Then what you have becomes sort of devalued in your own eyes because people all think they knew about it at the same time (very much like when you've liked specific music for years and they suddently become and 'overnight success' and spotty little 15 year olds start talking about their 'early work')

So anyway - I've had a MooCoo Clock  for years - I love my MooCoo clock, although I must remember to get another battery since its not sounding very moo-ey at the moment. This morning I decided to look for a present for a monkey obsessed friend of mine and discovered they now do OranguCoo clocks (and also pigs and some  farmer type thing which says oooh-arrrr) as well as the ever popular CluckCoo and EweCoo clocks.

But worse - I discovered that everyone sells them now. All over the internet. When I got mine they only came from the manufacturer and John Lewis. Now when people walk into my lounge they won't say "wow - thats a, um, interesting clock you have there...." they'll say "oh yeah, did you get it from Argos?" .

Grrrrrr.

Shopping for 1 is strangely complicated

Ah back to hectic yet mundane life....

So after a week or so of struggling I remembered to buy a new tinopener - and since then haven't wanted to open a tin...

The cats are on hunger strike because I got them cheap tinned food...

And how is it that I'm the one who always seemed to be generating all the empty packets, washing and recycling (well the cats get through a lot of tins) yet now I have less than half the rubbish, about a third of the washing,  and the recycling bins aren't overflowing? He always used to rinse his cups (from endless cups of tea) out but still every cup, plate and piece of cutlery in the house would end up in a pile by the sink but now there's just the frying pan and a plastic tub I cannot get clean?....

I am having problems with milk though.  See I don't drink milk (horrible stuff) and I don't drink tea or coffee very often, and I can't stand soggy cerial, but I do use it sometimes for cooking and I need it in the house in case people who do drink coffee come around.

So I sort of have to buy milk and then it sits there and goes smelly.  I'm still trying to gauge this right.  Complex stuff this living alone thing....

Oh he's so annoying

So he moved out two weeks ago, which means he told me almost 4 weeks ago, which means (since he said he'd been thinking about it for ages but hadn't wanted to tell me) (yeah - yet another thing he should never have told me - who wants to hear that someone you've been kissing goodbye every morning has actually not loved you for some time now?)  anyway that means on a conservative estimate he's known about this whole thing for a minimum two months.

So what has he decided he's going to do?

Nothing.

Absolutely bloody nothing.

Not even that he's made a decision to do nothing. He hasn't even thought about it, is what it comes down to. He's spent two weeks sitting on his arse at his mothers being waited on and not pondering our future. Well F-you too is really all I can say.

His entire life he's never really made a concious, 'I'm going to do this' type decision,  he's always just agreed to suggestions or said he doesn't really want to do something. But I really honestly thought that if we were speaking about his entire future life (and mine) he might make an effort.  Clearly not. And meanwhile I get to sit here with my life suspended and my head totally screwed up because until he makes some decisions I can't do anything. I can't make plans, I can't start to think about what I should do, I don't even know if I'm in a relationship or not.

What I can do is get really pissed off with him, which I'm doing more and more at the moment.

And then when we have our once a week conversation (so that I can try and make him make a decision) he looks at me like I'm some evil nagging fishwife (one five minute conversation a week in which I go "look hun, you have to make a decision of some type, I can't live like this, you can't just keep wandering in and making yourself a sandwich when you don't live here anymore and this entire situation is utterly out of my control and it's freaking me out" does not a nagging fishwife make - especially since I can even say it without crying now). I'm not an evil person  kicking a puppy so why do I still feel guilty??

Frankly I can't believe how he has that power. I thought I didn't do all that 'little woman' crap but clearly there's some deeply entrenched girlie thing going on in my head which makes me feel responsible for everything.

But I guess since I don't get the urge to reach out and grab his hand all the time now and I'm testing out saying 'ex-BF' instead of BF that probably means I'm reaching the point of no return. Which makes me feel really wierd so perhaps I'm not reaching the point of no return after all.  Is there a point of no return?  Should I have reached it? Should I just go cut all his shirts into tiny pieces to make me feel better? (nah - he'd probably just wear t-shirts instead)

Aaaarg.  I really do hate men.

That's it. Someone hates me.

ok - I really am starting to think *someone* up there has it in for me. I just went to the shop, came out and some silly bint had reversed into the car.

Aaaargh.

And not just a gentle bump, oh no, we're talking heavy dent across three panels.

But she was very nice and accepted responsibility and I have her name and phone number (and also car registration number just in case).

Well I guess at least it wasn't the new car. Actually it wasn't even my car. Um.  Now I have to phone James and tell him that his car has a teeny bit of a dent in it.  That'll make him happy.