Meaning of Liff

Now I can ignore this for a month

ok - for those of you waiting < sarcasm > doubtless with baited breath </ sarky> for an update.

He turned up half an hour late, Didn't apologise. Didn't tell me he loved me/wanted me/needed me/blah blah.

I, in fairness, didn't tell him I love him, want him or need him either. Because truthfully at this moment I don't think I do.

He didn't make any suggestions or offer any discussion/pursuasion/thoughts as to what we should do.

I, annoyed that it always has to be me to deal with things. Suggested that we don't see or talk to each other for a month (obviously if we do we do but that we stop the weekly discussion). This, said I, should give him time to actually make a blooming DECISION about something, and me time to stop being so upset with him and see if we feel we can try again.

I am trying to keep my mind open to that. I really am. But it's really hard work and if I didn't feel that what we used to have was so special I would have told him where he can stick what he wants us to have again.

so there you go. Exciting wasn't it? No of course I can't ignore it for a month, but the whole point is to live life and then see how we feel after a month. So I'm going to try to not think or worry and just see how that makes me feel.

And right now I feel better :)

Pets in Uniform

I really should create a whole category for this dressing your animals stuff I keep finding (or being sent - mmmm, thanks for that) - but this is just uniquely stupid

A picture of your pet in uniform. Why God, Why? (you may have to repeat that in your Joey voice...)

But if people will pay that much cash for a few minutes work I may have just found my new career. Working from home and I can do it drunk....

Missing things

Sometimes you don't realise how much you like something until it gets taken away from you.

Nope, this has nothing to do with my personal life, this is just because for two weeks I've had no real outlet for my natural sarcasm (and, some would say, bitchiness).

Oooh I'm sooooo happy we have the sites back online. Now I  just need to restrain some of my more stupid urges for a week or so until I get back to normally silly :)

Oh things are just so complicated...

So the (ex)BF just phoned. He wants me back.

Apparantly he misses me and he wants us to get back together and we're meant to be together.

And so I should be happy? So why am I sitting here crying and feeling that it's too little too late?

Do I still love him? yes.
Do I feel like he's treated me like shit? yes.
Do I feel like he expected me to jump into his arms and shout for joy? yes.
Does that annoy me? hell yes.

and I guess I should be jumping into his arms, but to be honest I don't see what's changed. He's put me through absolute total hell in the last few months, totally upended my life, told me I'm not attractive and no fun and all that crap. And now because he misses me he wants me to forget all that. I'm not sure I can. I'm not even sure I should.

More to the point, I'm not sure he won't turn around and do this to me again in 12 months time.

He hasn't done anything life fulfilling.  He hasn't changed. I haven't changed (well I think perhaps I have actually). What's different? Why will he be happy this time? Why will he love me again if he didn't three months ago?

And why do I still feel like absolute total shit for telling him that he couldn't just come home right now?

So lets face it. Basically I'm not sure I want to be with him any more if he can treat me like that. I actually quite like someone else (and although that probably isn't going anywhere the fact that I do makes me think I need to severely look at my feelings for (ex)BF). I have this resentful thing inside me which worries me if we do get back together that one day it's going to burst out.  I never want to cheat or lie or live the rest of my life unhappy with  someone if it's not right for us both and my cosy little 'smug marrieds' feeling has been totally wrecked and I don't know if I can ever get it back.

And notice he didn't say he loves me. He misses me.  He thinks we should be together. But he doesn't love me. Or at least not enough to tell me so. He always used to tell me so. My friends tell me they love me.  My dad tells me he loves me. Shouldn't the man who wants to woo me back and rekindle the romance tell me he loves me?

He thinks we should try dating again (an early suggestion I made after reading the Relate website) but all that's going to happen at the moment  is we'll start 'dating', end up in bed on the first date and he'll be moved back in within a week. It'd be so easy..... but I don't know if it would be right.

Two months ago I'd have been so happy if he said that. Now I just feel confused. 

Mommy, I might need to pee....

The most striking thing about this note is not that Georgie has to ask to go to the toilet - it's the fact that he uses a question mark, indicating that he's not sure if he needs to go or not.

I believe training pants have some inbuilt warning system? Perhaps someone should invest in some?

There's no future living in the past

Who'd have thunk Belinda Carlisle could be so profound?

OMG I'm (almost) a Chav!

I'm working on the basis that change is good today, so I'm humming "gonna wash that man right out of my hair" while I fill holes where pictures were and sand things and get the bedroom ready for some paint-style cosmetic surgery.

This isn't really a new thing - I've had the paint and have been planning to do this for a couple of years now - but for obvious reasons things have sort of got in the way.... anyway, despite my dads comments about getting the house valued before I go making it look better, which I do appreciate, I figure that repainting the bedroom isn't going to add that much value, it'll be nicer but it wasn't exactly horrible before....

So anyways, here I am, with my hair in pigtails, wearing a vest top and a pair of trackie bottoms (not very flattering around the arse it has to be said), up a ladder with the music turned up very loud downstairs (no doubt upsetting the neighbours but then one side frequently has brazilian guitar on loud and the other one has a small yappy dog so I think they'll cope) when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

Tracksuit..... pigtails.....loud music..... my god if you gave me some chewing gum and a braaaaawn baby I'd be a chav!

Sob.

Embarrassing moments

Yesterday I got stuck in the bathroom at work. This is all to do with the damp issues I've said about before - and although the worms are gone the damp is still there (although getting better) - anyhow - the door had swollen and it stuck and I had to hammer on it and someone had to come let me out - only after they'd laughed for five minutes first though.....

So that was sort of funny embarresing, but in the end - ah well, we all use the loo right? Could've happened to anyone.....

But this morning I thought I would die....  I'm sitting here explaining something to one of the support guys (actually the same one who I accidentally exposed myself to a couple of weeks ago when my shirt popped open - I so hope he missed that otherwise he's going to be really worried about me....)

So anyway - I'm sitting here explaining something and clicking the back button in my browser and I accidentally clicked back one too many times and landed on the *ahem* toy site I had been browsing through last night. So obviously he may not have seen the bright pink site with a close up of, well, something I'm not going to describe to you but it looks more fun than I'm getting anywhere else these days.... but he probably did.

Aaaaaarg.

Huh

Start a blog and don't tell me about it then.

Go on.

See if I care.

But I'm pleased to see I have an official title all of my own ;)

Birthday Blues

No it's not my birthday, but its getting there and I'm therefore starting to suffer from the birthday blues - which is a new and pretty strange experience for me :(

Normally I love birthdays (mine, other peoples, total strangers....) because they're special days - Christmas is just some general thing where everyone gives everyone else presents but on birthdays we give gifts, things with thought behind them and one person is spoilt for a day, it's just such a nice thing to do for someone or to receive from people.

Plus I always, absolutely without fail, take my birthday off work, make no plans, and do whatever I really feel like on that day.

So this year it's all wrong. Firstly no mum. It's going to be so freaky not going in to see her, and normally we'd have ended up having lunch or going somewhere or even just watching TV for an hour - but I really miss spending time with her and somehow even the thought of a birthday without her is making me all sniffly.

Second, no BF. This is my first single birthday since I was about 15. Liberating? Hell no. I want my birthday kiss to wake up to and my birthday being spoilt to luxuriate in and my birthday going to bed to be fun, fun, FUN. And I'm not getting any of that. How're you meant to feel good about getting older if you don't have anyone to feel good about it with? (oh and the icing on this one is that the ex and I actually got together on my birthday so that's somewhat bittersweet anyway)

And then this year my birthday's at a weekend. Where's the fun in that? I mean yeah when you're at school a weekend birthday is good because you want to go clubbing or something. When your treat is to skive off and relax then having a weekend birthday just means you end up doing the cleaning or something.  No fair. Take it back and change the day!

I've pretty much deferred my birthday booze up (planned for 4 weeks after my actual birthday) because half the guests are now in this strange 'well I like Den but I guess my loyalties are with him' place, and it's not fair <tantrum>

So all in all I'm feeling sorry for myself.  I met a friend for dinner last night and we were talking about what we could do and there is a lot, and I do have lots of people to go out with, and I will have fun (even if I make myself!) but a night at a show or a film and a meal is a very *average* way to celebrate your 35th - like a normal night with some presents.

I want FUN, I want EXCITEMENT, actually I just want to have a good day.  Perhaps I should go get my tattoo done that day just to give me an excuse to be grouchy 'cos of the pain :)