Meaning of Liff

It was all going so well until....

It's been a gorgeous day here, and now it's nice and cool (still need the doors and windows open but pleasantly cool) and we've been working hard around the house all day so now we're just relaxing,  drinking beer and waiting for the pizza delivery.

Or, more accuratly, that's what we were doing until I got up to go get some more beers and walked barefoot to the kitchen without switching the light on. Then I felt something wet and squidgy under my foot.  Sticking to my foot.  Eeeugh.

One of my <sarcasm>lovely, wonderful, incredibly innocent</sarcasm> cats (little b'stards) had carefully dissected a mouse exactly on the path from lounge to fridge. Oh that's so icky.

We have had worse things in the house. We frequently have 'frog nights' where we get woken up repeatedly by screaming frogs (I once managed to miss one in my morning round up and found crispy drief frog under a cupboard months after frog season was over), we obviously have our fair share of birds, mice average pretty much one a day, voles, the occasional rat (thankfully never a live one in the house), a couple of times goldfish (sorry neighbours), once a slowworm (very scary when you see a snake like thing in the lounge first thing in the morning) and once a half grown rabbit (still mystifies me how they got that back  and through the catflap even with teamwork...). Thankfully Polly has now outgrown the phase where  she used to shimmy up peoples washing lines and come home with socks and underwear. That really is embarresing  - I think I'd rather tread on a mouse a couple of times a year than have to return a pair of chewed knickers.

So the cat's have been unceremoniously ejected and I can hear them taunting next doors dog. Next doors dog was sitting our garden this morning prompting a friend to ask why we had a mop on the lawn, and it left us a little present before it left (I see a theme developing for today) so it deserves everything they do to it.  As further punishment I will not be letting them lick the garlic bread wrapper which has the added benefit of not waking up to catty-garlic breath.

Plus the boyfriend gets to go get the next beer - just in case....

Googlebomb; a real weapon of Mass Destruction?

So there's a new and unusually succinct Googlebomb for liar.

And lets face it he is. Whether or not the Iraq war was right (and since we clearly don't know the truth of a lot of things I don't think any of us mere 'normal' people will ever be in a position to really judge) the fact is that we were LIED to about several things and that is now a proven fact.

Part of the reason I started this blog was so I could talk about politics, but at the moment it's annoying me so much I really can't bring myself to write much about it. All of the major parties are behaving like kids having tantrums, none of them can answer a straight question (aside from Kennedy who of course can be relatively truthful since they won't get in anyway and so have nothing to loose by telling the almost-truth) and they're so desperate not to concentrate on real policies they're getting personal.

Which pretty much brings us full circle. Blair deserves a googlebombing, and perhaps given the Kelly scenario there are worse ones than 'liar' which could be applied to him, but there are a fair few other politicians who deserve one as well at the moment (and not just Prescott.)

Natural Selection: the waxing theory.

Clearly in the modern world some bits of a girl are better not sporting rabid hair growth if she wants to have a decent social life and not look too teutonic in a summer dress.

Nature has therefore decreed that the time your mind takes to forget the pain of waxing various parts of your body is directly proportional to the time for hair regrowth.  In this way just when you need to book up another apointment you've forgotten how much it hurts.

Ouch.

An insight into human nature I didn't need

Well last night we sold our old TV. We put the ad in the paper 5 days ago and since then have recieved 26 calls; 17 put downs when they got the answerphone, two utterly incomprehensible messages and 7 callers who appeared normal at first conversation.

Of these 7;

Number 1) asked us many questions, spent 30 minutes having us virtually read the manual over the phone, then offered us 25% of the asking price (which didn't invite offers)

Number 2) phoned a total of 8 times asking questions, needing exact measurements and arranging then rearranging viewing appointments before finally not showing after we waited in and when we phoned them telling us that it was the wrong size so they hadn't bothered (would been good if you'd told us that 3 phone calls and 4 hours ago - idiot)

Number 3) were a couple who came around and then proceeded to have a row in the middle of our lounge while we looked on embarresed and wished they would leave.

Number 4) was Number 1 again who'd forgotten he'd already phoned us

Number 5) was a woman who phoned wantng a 50% discount because
i) she didn't want the stand (er - nor do we once we don't have the TV it was designed for....)
ii) she didn't want the speakers which enable the surround sound (no she didn't have speakers already she just didn't want them...)
iii) last week there was a TV the same size for half the price advertised (and your point is?)

Number 6) was a woman who made a sensible offer and then when  we accepted it decided to offer less. Number 6 was quite rude when we said we didn't think that was reasonable.

Lucky Number 7) was a woman who had a look, decided she liked it, handed over the cash and thanked us very much. This woman has financed my shoe fetish for at least another month for which I thank her most profoundly :)

Generally speaking when we sell stuff it's to someone who knows someone (etc), and it's painless. Never again am I putting an ad in the paper and dealing with people who watched an episode of 'Bargain Hunt' and reckon they're now hot-shot negotiators.....

p.s. - if couple number 3 happen to read this - he was right.....

Chavopoly

This will have me giggling all day...

Is your scrotum feeling trapped?

If so here's a  wonderful invention to help you: underpants with a scrotum outlet port. The only thing is I'm not actually sure what you do with it. Ah well. Us girls never quite understand what you men do when you constantly fiddle about down there anyway...

You have to check out the Patently Silly Archives - there's some great stuff in there. I'm especially impressed with the 'drugs' section and the wonderful 'Applicator For Insertion Of Cargo Into A Body Cavity'.  Well next time I can't fit that last thing in my suitcase.....

Happy Birthday Hubble

The Hubble Space Telescope is 15 years old. I remember it being launched and I remember loads of stunning pictures over the past few years.  How cool are some of these?

Bonnie Bouncing Babies. Bleugh.

Babies, so many babies. Almost everyone I know has just had a baby, is having a baby or is trying to have a baby - I'm getting all babied out - I only actually care about a couple of them but I like all the other parents too much to be honest, if you know what I mean....

So a friend sent me pictures of their baby this morning. In general I find all babies fairly ugly but normally you can find something nice to say about them - but honestly this baby is truly horrendous (it's ok - her parents will never read this - they sold the computer and made the spare room into a nursery - I'm safe :) ). Even worse their e-mail is littered with references to how much like her dad the new arrival looks.  Erm. Nope. Not in the eyes, or the nose, or the face shape, or anything at all in fact. 

But then people always used to tell me how like my dad I looked but as soon as I got fatter and/or put my hair up they told me how much like my mum I looked. Clearly peoples ideas of 'look like' rely largely on whether you have a double chin and if your hair is vaguely the same style. In both instances this baby fails to match her father btw.

I don't know what to e-mail back. I'm quite truthful and I try not to say things I don't mean at all. Normally I fall back on truths which sound admiring but are in fact just comments  like "hasn't he got a lot of hair",  "he's going to be tall", "look at the size of that" (the latter to the fathers who all seem incredibly proud of their newborn sons) but in this instance all I can say is "she'll be a stunner when she's older" (certainly she'll stun people but I'm not sure if that'll be a good thing - perhaps the flattened face will pop out - I hear they sometimes do)

Babies are a stressy subject for me at the moment because this huge influx of them is reminding me that if I were to want one then I have to get a move on or I probably won't be able to (OK - I have 5 years realistically but after 20 years of assorted birth control I'm not sure that I'd conceive day 1)

I've even written a list of the pro-s and con-s of having kids. I won't bore you with the cons but suffice it to say I gave up at about 50 and thought I'd concentrate on the pro's. Here they are

1) Boobs get bigger
2) someone to look after you in your old age
3) shuts people up about it
4) child benefit

Now none of those seem a reason to have them, although when talking to my best friend about it (he's now getting a bit broody and he's trying to make me broody too I suspect so that he can legitimately send the kids to Auntie Den for the weekend and have a lie in) someone to look after you in your old age is a reason he gives me.  I've tried pointing out that with the money you save you can hire a qualified nurse but he won't agree.

The thing is, ultimately I still don't want one - everyone tells me that one day the maternal gene will kick in but I'm still waiting.... although that's what worries me - will the maternal gene kick in the day I can't have them any more?

That said though, I really don't think I could do it. I looked at a picture of someone else's newborn sprog on Saturday (see they really are everywhere at the moment) and my first thoughts were "ouch - that's so BIG" and "isn't it ugly"? A friend who sailed through her first pregnancy being irritatingly glowing (anyone who's ever discussed pregancy with me will know my thoughts on how I'd be and I don't think it'd be glowing if you removed alcohol and other unhealthy for the baby activities  for 9 months - more like glowering) - anyway - this pregnancy she's uncomfortable, irritable and would happily have it tomorrow, 2 months early, just to get her body back. 

Of course I call her a friend because she used to be but I've only actually seen her in person once in the last 2 years - since the last child was born in fact. I buy him great birthday and christmas presents but I draw the line at actually spending time with him - I was about to be brave because he should be out of nappies soon but now she's pregnant again I'm afraid the kid will be at school before I go round there.

Even someone who's been trying to get pregnant for a couple of years and was thrilled when they succeeded is now telling me all is not rosy in Pregnancyville.  If you think depression, stretch marks and hormones are shitty then just wait 'till the piles kick in :)

So generally speaking with every baby that gets born my guilt at having no maternal feelings gets worse, but my feeling of relief I don't have to deal with that gets stronger.

At the weekend, when we were in the car and he couldn't escape the conversation, I asked the boyfriend if he was sure he didn't want kids and he looked at me like I was insane.  Now all we have to do is explain it to his mother.....

Turin gets tough for animal rights

Turin Council have brought in new animal cruelty laws covering everything from how frequently they should walk their dogs to fairgroubd prizes. The bit I really applaud is

People will also be banned from dyeing their pets' fur or "any form of animal mutilation" for merely aesthetic motives such as docking dogs' tails, under the law about to be passed in the northern Italian city.

Absoutely brilliant. If the dogs a genuine hunting dog then a docked tail is a good thing but otherwise it makes me wonder how the owners would feel if that had some dangly bits chopped off for aesthetic reasons. And people who dye their dogs... oh don't get me started.

The walking the dogs three times a day bit does worry me a little though. I remember the in-laws looking after a yorkshire terrier once and one day they found the dog really weak and unable to move its back legs. They took it to the vet with terrible thoughts of it being paralised and having to have it put down and telling the owners - turns out the long walks over the downs every day had knackered it so badly that it was too tired to stand. The poor little thing was used to running around the garden before it went to bed  and it had been going for 5 mile walks twice daily.

And while they're at it I hope they banned dressing your dog like a doll  Really,  it makes me hope natural selection prevents people who do that from ever having actual babies.

British Restaurant best in the world.

I would just like to point out, for the benefit of some of the less cultured readers (!) that Restaurant Magazine has just voted  The Fat Duck the best restaurant in the world. This restaurant is english. As are 14 of the top 50 restaurants. We may live off curry and fish and chips half the time but the other half we do know how to appreciate good food you know :) Actually, why am I defending Brit cuisine to people who live in the country which invented McDonalds? And we invented Banoffi Pie - I mean you have to acknowledge our superior culinary skills :)